#1115: On What To Look Out For In A Potential Spouse
Asalam Alaykum. Can you please tell me some qualities I can look out for from a good guy….. I need to know this now. And I need to know the signs that a guy is for real but not playing prank
ANSWER:
Bismillah wa solat wa Salam alaa Rasulillah!
As to what follows,
May Allah ease your affairs sister and bless you with a righteous spouse. As for your question, we’d refer you to this Hadith: The Prophet (ﷺ) said, “A woman is married for four things, i.e., her wealth, her family status, her beauty and her religion. So you should marry the religious woman (otherwise) you will be a loser. (Bukhari)
This Hadith is also applicable to men as well. A man can be married for wealth, family, looks and deen as well. The best is that you go with the one who has deen.
The religion here comes with good character as Well. For the one who has a good character has a good understanding of the deen and will fear Allah in dealing with you without denying you of your rights. So the first thing is the deen, if he has deen he will be serious, he will follow the practice of the Quran and sunnah without transgressions.
It only takes a favour from Allah to be able to make the right decision and fall in the hands of a good spouse. Hence, we encourage that you do solatul istikhara. This is a two unit nawafil recommended by the Rasul SAW in which you recite a supplication after termination of the prayer. You could find more details in Hisnul Muslim. After doing that, put your trust in Allah.
Then the next step will be to investigate his character. This will not be done by you directly. Find a pious and trustworthy brother who knows him in either of these three scenarios:
1. Have journeyed with this person
2. Have had business transactions with him
3. Have seen him in a state of anger and how they reacted.
This is very important because the true character must have been displayed in either of these situations.
In addition to the above, ask the right questions. Not questions about your wedding planner but their marriage goals.
What’s their understanding of nikkah? Any plans for having kids? How do they handle provocative situations? Ask intelligent questions, from his response you may be able to deduce how serious he is.
Give him a list of things that matters to you most in a spouse and ask them to enlist those items in order of priority. For example: religious understanding, patience, cleanliness, manners and culture. This is just a basic list, yours may be more base on what’s important to you.
Then ask them to give you back the list in their own order of priority. This activity may do two things for you if Allah wills:
1. Help identify if what he prioritized is same as yours. Then that helps hopefully in sha Allah you can rock the same boat.
2. Help unravel the red flags of compatibility. For instance, If he chooses culture above religion then that’s a red flag for sure. It would be great if your wali (father, brother, guardian) can do this on your behalf though.
Finally, do not compromise the deen for anything. If the brother doesn’t take his deen serious, then he might just be someone looking for the next person to give a heartbreak.
Marriage is a lifelong journey in which both parties strive to help each-other to make Jannah. Do not ignore the red flags as they appear. They’re definitely going to show up. Above all, put your trust in Allah.
We hope you find these piece of advice beneficial and we ask Allah to grant you a righteous spouse.
Barakallahu Fikum
Jazakumullahu Khyran.
Dhu An-Nurayn
5th Ramadān, 1442 AH.
📚 IslāmNode
