Jumah Nugget: Marital Challenges and Islamic Solutions — A Real-Life Scenario

Marital Challenges and Islamic Solutions — A Real-Life Scenario

If you anticipate a split between them, appoint a mediator from his family and another from hers. If they desire reconciliation, Allah will restore harmony between them. Indeed Allah is All-Knowing, All-Aware. — Qur’an 4 [An-Nisa’]:35

It’s been a while since we addressed marital issues in this publication. The last was over a year ago. The stories in recent times have been more geared towards spirituality and connection to Allah through acts of worship. So I think it’s time to give a shot at marriage-related articles again. Recently, I got involved with a couple whose wedding had barely hit a year landmark. And like with every other marriage, their relationship is suffering in a labyrinth on the brink of its precipice. They’re already weighing in and contemplating divorce. So they both decided to reach out for counseling and I’d share with you some of the lessons from the session.

For the sake of anonymity, let’s name the husband Abdullah and the wife Amatullah. So Abdullah contacted me about the challenges he’s experiencing with his wife, and he already feels like divorcing her. I asked him if he still loved his wife and wanted their marriage to work. He affirmed and I told him that’s easy for Allah to fix their issues. Amatullah also mentioned the issues she’s facing with her husband, I asked her the same question and she also told me she’s invested in making the marriage work.

Then I said, Alhamdulillah — meaning all praise be to Allah. I was glad that they both wanted reconciliation because Allah had assured them of a way out of their difficulty. And I quoted the following verse to them:

If you fear that a couple may break up, appoint one arbiter from his family and one from hers. Then, if the couple want to put things right, God will bring about a reconciliation between them: indeed Allah is all knowing, all aware— Qur’an 4[An-Nisa’]:35

This is the first lesson, every marriage has its challenges but there’s a way out for you if you truly want to make your marriage work and not give up easily. Be patient with your spouse, seek mediation or counseling and if you truly want peace, Allah will make a way out for you.

The Complicated Challenge

We scheduled a date to meet and initially, they couldn’t make it owing to my inflexible schedule. We rearranged a meeting at a later date and they finally appeared on time. We met at a private office to avert distraction and give room for them to express themselves. After giving praise and thanks to Allah and sending salutations upon the prophet ﷺ — peace be upon him. I asked Abdullah to tell his side of the story before hearing the part of his wife. I also asked each of them to listen intentionally as the other spoke because there would be room for clarification to aid understanding.

Abdullah’s issues were simple, it all goes down to communication. He believes there were difficulties in the ways his wife expressed herself. She sometimes made it seem like an argumentative debate and this comes off to him as a negative vibe. She also trades blame on him as if she’s a saint. These issues have piled up to the point that he now sees her as disrespectful and not recognizing his authority as head of the household. This led him to the breaking point to question if the marriage was all worth it. He’d rather remain a ‘divorced bachelor’ than an unhappily married man.

Amatullah on the other hand has loads of issues to contend with. She begins by admitting that it’s okay not to understand each other because we humans are complex individuals. I nodded in agreement to her statement because it’s uneasy for people with different backgrounds to come together in unison. They’re of diverse cultures and life experiences too. She’s not okay with her husband being defensive anytime she brings up issues and he hides under the guise of not being argumentative. She feels she’s a worthwhile prize and deserves the jewel. This is normal for women to have this feeling of special entitlement. That’s the summary of their complicated issues.

A Simple Solution

First, I emphasized to them that the solution to every marital discord is to return it back to the basis — the Qur’an and Sunnah. I mentioned to both of them that my submissions would be based on what the book of Allah dictates and the way of life of our beloved messenger ﷺ. I reassured them that I would not support Amatullah because she’s of my clan, nor will I stand by Abdullah since he’s a man. I reminded them that we Muslims are very lucky to have a messenger ﷺ who led an exemplary life for us to emulate. I also reminded them of how the wives of the Messenger of Allah ﷺ had issues with him. How did he deal with them? He used emotional intelligence while focusing more on being empathetic. These were my initial submissions to both of them without trailing blame:

Listening: Both parties need to listen affectionately to get the message their significant other is passing across. Believe what they’re saying is genuine and not just a nag.

Non-Judgemental: I equally asked them not to rush to conclusions assuming this is what the other person is saying or thinking. This was showcased a lot during the conversation. By being non-judgemental, you’re more humane.

Understanding: Abdullah and Amatullah needed to understand each other before being understood. This is a trait of highly effective individuals. People are more selfish in relationships today rather than being selfless. The reality is: that successful marriages are built upon the selflessness of both spouses. Let each party do more for the other and you will see how much value you get in return.

Imagination: I asked both of them to often put themselves in each other’s shoes and see how it feels. If it hurts you, know that it most definitely hurts your spouse too. So think before you speak, and think twice before you act.

Response: The crux of the matter is how you respond to each situation as it arises. I admonished them to take time to craft a better action plan than reacting while furious. Ensure that your action contributes to quenching the fire and not igniting it.

Rebuttal of Points

After the initial rounds of discussion, we had spent about forty-five minutes and it became time for salat. We took a break to go and pray and return to close the session. While leaving, Amatullah indicated that she had something to say. I assured her when we returned in sha Allah, I’d listen to her comment. On returning to my desk, I gave her the honor to speak. Then she mentioned that their most recent disagreement arose from the purchase of a property of hers. She complained that she didn’t like the role her husband played after the acquisition. She had even admitted that he was the one who brought up the idea of the purchase to her and had been supportive all through the process.

She mentioned a few words that triggered her like when Abdullah said: ‘I don’t think I’m the right man for you’. Or when he once mentioned that he needs to rethink this whole marriage thing. She feels like when he says such things, it hurts her so badly. Amatullah added that she’s the one who often breaks the silence and wants to have a conversation on resolving their issues. Her husband walks away, changing his attitude from being loving to giving shoulders. She wants her husband to see himself as the head of the family and lead appropriately. Abdullah on the other hand feels like she comes with a masculine energy and this hinders his ability to lead when she questions his judgement.

I stepped in and asked her if her husband was fulfilling his basic responsibility as a provider and protector. She admitted that he does. Then I told her that he deserves her loyalty a hundred percent, this is a right given to him by Allah. She needed to communicate things more clearly to him and address him in a respectful and kind manner. Abdullah was also admonished to be more patient and gentle with his wife. The beauty of a woman is in her femininity and this is why Allah’s Apostle ﷺ admonished us to be kind and gentle with women.

Narrated Abu Huraira, Allah ‘s Apostle said, “Treat women nicely, for a woman is created from a rib, and the most curved portion of the rib is its upper portion, so, if you should try to straighten it, it will break, but if you leave it as it is, it will remain crooked. So treat women nicely.” — Bukhari

Unsolicited Questions

So after the second round of conversation, I asked them two sets of questions which they both needed to answer. From experience, these questions oftentimes serve as a cherry on the icing and most times aid the resolve in many instances. The questions are vis:

What is the role of Solat in your lives?

What can you say about the level of intimacy in your relationship?

They both admitted not to have been actively praying appropriately in a timely manner. Abdullah mentioned that he was just reflecting on this while he was making wudoo — ablution while we took the prayer break. I told them a difficult life makes salat harder, but salat makes a difficult life easier. They both nodded their heads humming in affirmation. I mentioned to them some of the benefits of establishing the prayers and how to get back on track. I equally encouraged them to implement this and see how miraculously their relationship would improve.

Part of the problem in many marriages today is that couples don’t help each other to grow or strive towards Allah. How many of us have told ourselves let’s be husband and wife in paradise? This is a lifelong journey that you have to start from this world consciously. I then related to them this beautiful hadith:

Abu Hurairah said: “The Messenger of Allah ﷺ said: ‘May Allah (SWT) have mercy on a man who gets up at night and prays, then he wakes his wife and she prays, and if she refuses, he sprinkles water in her face. And may Allah (SWT) have mercy on a woman who gets up at night and prays, then she wakes her husband and prays, and if he refuses she sprinkles water in his face.’” — An-Nasa’i

When it came to intimacy, Abdullah didn’t hold it back. He expressed it how it is and admitted to some of his inadequacies which I wouldn’t disclose here. He also mentioned some of the challenges he has and how they’re working as a couple to overcome them. I gave them recommended solutions from the sunnah and even taught them the dua’ to say before intimacy. Sexual pleasure is a big deal for marriage to thrive, especially for couples in their early years. It does a lot: it increases the bond, eases stress, enhances communication, and even resolves disputes at times. It’s a positive energy that you need to harness legitimately as a couple.

The Silent Killers

Besides their personal challenges, I made them realize that there are two external factors that they still need to contend with. These are:

The devil and

The Evil Eye

I reminded them that shaytan will not leave them so I’m not surprised how these issues are amplified to this level. Then they were referred to the hadith below for context and proper understanding of my point:

The Messenger of Allah, ﷺ said: “Verily, Satan places his throne over the water and he sends out his troops. The closest to him in rank are the greatest at causing tribulations. One of them says: I have done this and this. Satan says: You have done nothing. Another one says: I did not leave this man alone until I separated him from his wife. Satan embraces him and he says: You have done well.” — Muslim

In addition to that, I also admonished them that it’s not everyone who sees your pictures on social media who really loves you. The evil eye borne by jealousy or envy is real. And this is capable of causing you harm or misfortune; people have it and they do not even know. That’s why Allah’s Apostle warned us:

Mu’adh ibn Jabal reported: The Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings be upon him, said, “Seek help in the fulfillment of your needs by being discrete, for everyone who is given a blessing will be envied.” — Source: al-Mu’jam al-Kabīr

Final Words

A session that I thought was not going to last sixty minutes ended after two hours. The last point I made clear to them was to always ask themself why they got married. This is because marital success or failure often depends on one thing — the intention. I asked both of them to tell me five things they loved about each other. Abdullah went first and said his wife was beautiful, strong-willed, nurturing, a believer, and a go-getter. Amatullah on the other hand said her husband was a provider, strives to make her happy, is selfless, loves her kids, and he is calm. They both struggled to complete the list of these five attributes within a minute.

Then I told them you see how hard it was for you to mention just five things about your spouse that you appreciate. It means you’ve focused more on the negativity than the positive attributes. So next time those negative thoughts come to mind, remember the good things you appreciate about your significant other and be patient in striving to resolve your issues. Every marriage has its challenges and the more you put into your relationship, the more you get out of it. I asked them to always make dua for each other and their kids as well. I also told them I would check in with them after two weeks to see how they are fairing. This I have done Alhamdulillah and I got a positive response from both Abdullah and Amatullah.

I contemplated before putting this together but I hope someone found this piece beneficial. I know a lot of people are going through marital issues and just hanging on while they live. This is one of the reasons why we started the Muslim Family Series with Rafeeqee I-Media. Remember to talk to a counselor or mediator if you need to while going through marital hurdles. You don’t have to suffer in pain and silence. This is why Allah has made ways out for you by giving you a solution to every life challenge. May Allah bless their marriage and the rest of the ummah as well. Amin!

PS: Success comes only by the will of Allah! If you find this piece beneficial, it’s by Allah’s Grace. It’s no scholarly work and we accept our mistakes. Suggestions are welcomed in making this effort better as well.

Yaumul Jum’ah 21st Rabiul Awwal 1445H // Friday 6th October 2023.